Dedicated To Myself

The last semester, which just happened to be my first official semester in nursing school was filled with what seemed like endless disappointments to me. I felt frustrated the entire time, with only a few moments where I felt like I was shining.  This I decided couldn't continue into another semester.  I needed to find a way where I could accept who I was and be happy with it. 
I don't believe that I give the appearance to anyone that I have my sh*t together.  If anything it is my own personal view of myself that I look scattered.  I often think that people wonder how I ever made it into nursing school.
Well believe it or not, there was a time, which was just previous to my admission of nursing school, where I wasn't so critical of myself.  Please do not mistake this for me saying that I'm too critical of myself.  I believe that I have been sacrificing my own happiness trying out new things and agreeing that I like others that has led me astray. 

One of my best joys in life is reading and writing.  However it is not anywhere near the BEST of all of the things that I enjoy.  My life is filled with a huge mixture of things that I like to do when I feel depressed or need a lift.  I also love going to the movies, shopping, working out, playing with my children, hiking mountains, walking my dog.  However there are times where these things that I love so much are unfathomable to me.  At the current moment I am thinking of how wonderful it would be to take a nap.  I love my bed, its soft, warm, and filled with the scent of my shampoo and conditioner.  Every once in a while I catch the scent of my children on it, and it puts a huge smile on my face. 

I need to become better at recognizing my moods.  If someone were to offer to go up Sugarloaf Mountain with me right now, although it is something that I very much enjoy, I would turn them down.  I'm not up for it currently, and there are other things that I feel would bring me more joy. 

In my quest to conquer my depression I have tried to stabilize my mood.  Somehow I translated this to mean that I need to like the same things and always enjoy doing them.  Well I know that isn't true to who I am.  I don't like working out every day.  I don't enjoy watching TV every day.  So the things I do are based off of my needs and desires.  It is this way that I discover what I need to do to get by and be happy in this world.

I hope that I have grown enough in the short break between semesters that I will have set myself up for success in my 2nd (out of 5) semester of nursing school.  I believe I am prepared.  It's going to be a difficult one!

Picky eaters?

No doubt about it, I will be complaining here. Im sure someone can relate though.
One of my biggest pet peeves are those that are picky eaters or who refuse to try new things. I have worked very hard with my oldest son who is a picky eater. Letting him try new thugs has become fun but often he won't eat more than one bite of the new food. Which I can live with. What I can't stand is someone (kid-adult) that refuse to try it and whine about it!! Oh for goodness sakes. This probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does.

Struggles

I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with their weight, so I'm writing this as a few words of encouragement for those who can relate.
Almost a year ago, after reaching a plateau from losing close to 60 pounds I decided that I needed another change in diet in order to continue my weight loss to a healthy weight.  I am not ashamed of how much I weight because it does not define me, but health means a lot to me.  I had plateaued out at 180 pounds and was fighting desperately to go down into the 170s.    So I decided that for health reasons and for the animal rights reasons that I would start living a vegetarian lifestyle.  I have refrained from stepping on the scale for quite some time, confident that my new eating style that I absolutely could maintain would be a success.  Today I stepped on the scale to get a shocking number.  202.4 pounds  OUCH!!!  So with my spirit broken I picked up myself and decided that I would not let this number get any higher. 
I have reevaluated my eating style, and its no wonder that as a vegetarian I gained so much weight, I ate almost only carbs.  While I rarely had a lack of energy, I was noticing that my clothes did not fit like they once did, and I was NOT happy with this. 
So today in order to get back on track I am starting a shakeology cleanse (I do it a little different because otherwise I can not maintain it for 3 days.  I eat 2 Shakes a day (for 3 days) and my rule is that I can make them however I want as long as I'm not adding fat into them and they remain under 250 cal each.  For snacks, I am only allowing myself water and fresh fruit.  Most fruits are so little on calories that you don't need to count them. 
Also I went back to one of my favorite works outs, Slim in 6 by Debbie Saunders.  It's low impact, quick, but really gets the job done.  I've never not been able to make it through one of her videos (30min) no matter how badly in shape I am because things are changed up once one muscle is absolutely exhausted to work on another, so it really helps me. 
Here is to 6 weeks of becoming a healthier person, long walks with the kids and healthier snacks.  I'm thrilled that almost all of my friends already maintain this type of lifestyle which makes it so much easier to hang out with friends when trying to become healthier. 
The task I will try and do for this week is portion my dinner better (no more than 500 cals) and before eating ALWAYS go on at least a 10 minute walk.  This helps to curve your appetite and also helps me eat slower.  One of my major downfalls is I currently struggle with eating food extremely quickly, so it takes my body a long time to catch up and indicate to me that it is full.  Eating should take time, and is not meant to be quick. 

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. 

Updates to Life

I recently have deleted my facebook account.  A hard thing to do, and definitely something that I have tried in the past.  I have disabled it twice before, which is simply like signing off, and actually deleted it once, but was sucked by in with peer pressure before the 14 days completed and I reactivated it before it was permanently gone.  This time if I were to reactivate it, there will be absolutely no pictures of my on there.  One the ones in which I am tagged, as I have removed every album of photos that I had on there.  It took me almost 2 hours to delete all of my photos from the facebook server, but I feel it will be the best in the long run.  This way the temptation is less.

I'm writing this blog today to remind myself of why I deleted it in the first place.  There are some serious privacy issues with facebook, they do not keep any information on there private, and the amount of applications that are linking with facebook that are on my phone is ridiculous.  Enabling location services on my iPhone allows people to figure out where I am in the country at any given time.  I think that there are some benefits for this in case of an emergency, but otherwise I would prefer people to mind their own business.  The scary thing is that it isn't my friends looking to see where I was.  This I would be okay with as obviously I am friends with these people, but instead 3rd parties in which I have no affiliation with and have no idea what they are doing with this information.  Thanks but no thanks, there are some aspects of my life that do not need to be shared with others. 

One of the biggest pet peeves I had about facebook is when I was to sign on all of the annoying Status Updates that said things related to "I'm Bored!" or "What to do?"  or "I just washed my car."  Frankly I don't care.  I'm not an insensitve person, but his is not an update at all.  It is a statement that has no meaning!  In an attempt not to hurt my friends feelings I simply clicked on hide this person so that I could remain friends with them but didn't need to read such ramblings.  (Notice how I myself am rambling, no I don't consider this hypocritical. . . okay maybe just a little bit).

Also with facebook able to be on my phone, ipod, nook, and computer I had access to it at all times.  What do you do when you can access something at all times?  You play on it at all times, and frankly its boring!  The most interesting things that I had subscribed to was not my friends that I was very close with, because believe it or not they really didn't post much, but instead the science groups and their crazy ramblings.  It was awesome to sign on and get science news all the time, and funny jokes and puns from the people I feel the most connected to.  However I came to the conclusion, I don't need to be signed onto facebook for this, and infact by only viewing the things on facebook related to science I was putting myself at a huge disadvantage.  There is so much more that I can find that interests me, and I shouldn't need to wait until they post a picture to find it.  How about I just go out and search for it on my own?

One of my favorite professors that I had last semester recommended a science site which I have officially become addicted to.  Anyone looking to learn for free about Biology, Physics, Chemistry, and Math should check it out.  I have a fairly good knowledge of Biology and Chemistry, and my math skills need a good refresher.  However there is another subject in which I haven't taken any classes in and have always wanted to learn, PHYSICS!!!  I have been told by many friends that I should take this class, but truth be told, I am intimidated by it.  The fail rate at the University in which I attend for Physics 1 and 2 is high.  Maybe after watching a lot of these videos and learning the basics of physics I can take these classes and succeed.  And after I refresh myself on some math skills.  One awesome things about this website is that there is a practice area where you can work on your math skills.  It has the silly little points in which you earn for completing sections, and can "level up" and change your avatar based off of the points you have earned.  Not something I'm really thrilled about but I love the idea of watching a video and being able to practice what I have been taught.  I learn best this way.  It's very difficult for me to read a book and understand fully what they were trying to say.  I'm a very visual person and do best if I read the chapter in which the professor is going to lecture on and then watch them demonstrate the skills.  This gives me a leg up, and guess what?  Every class I have done this in I have received an A in :)  Something I'm very proud of and I have always been able to teach my friends in the areas in which they were lacking.  Hopefully I explained it in a way that they understood, because truthfully I LOVE helping others. 
Oh the name of the website is Khan Academy.  Check it out!

Reading shouldn't be a Pet Peeve

Reading has always been one of my favorite things to do.  To escape for a while into the minds, bodies, thoughts of other characters, to see things from their point of view and try and determine what made them tick is fascinating.  Everyone has their own set of rules that they live by, and the most complicated characters for me to understand, are those that don't act, think, or do anything like I would. 
I remember at the end of last semester, I was sitting in the coffee shop where I regularly work reading a novel.  It was during finals week and we were so slow it was the only way to make the time pass.  With literally everything done around me I pulled out the novel Outlander, which has quickly become one of the best books I have ever read.  A professor came up to me after an hour or so of being completely alone in the coffee shop and gasped.  He said "Oh My Gosh, you are actually a student who reads something other than the required text books?"  We had a very nice conversation about how reading is going out of style, which is absolutely ridiculous.
I've always loved reading, however I have a huge problem with it.  It takes me literally months of reading to finish a novel.  I'm an exceptionally slow reader.  Sometimes its frustrating to see that I've been reading for 30 minutes and I've only progressed 8 pages or so, but it is what it is.  I have tried to speed read, and still read every word but I just don't comprehend any of it then.  But one thing I have never done is use that as a reason to NOT read a book.  If I ever plan on improving my reading skills, it takes practice.  I am however slower than most people when it comes to learning this skill, but in others I can surpass people.  So take what you are good at and enjoy it.  Continue to learn in the areas where you struggle. I'll never give up, and in the process I will enjoy a few good novels and stories to enrich my life. 

My Children

Occasionally when my children are at their fathers I think about how much I love those little boys.  (Okay so its almost all I think about when they are at their fathers house.)  I do enjoy my alone time from them though.  Its a chance for me to just spend on myself, recenter my thoughts and feelings, and plan for the next two weeks of events that I can do with them.  Especially now that its summer and I can do a lot more with them.  I am really enjoying being out of school and all the time that I get with them.  :)  However I am still looking forward to going back to school because I can't wait to see what I have to learn, and research the different areas and learn as much as possible.  I am hopeful that this semester as it will be my first semester in the program that I might be able to pull off straight A's.  I have in all of my classes my absolutely best friend.  (Yes girl, as I know you will be reading this, it is a shout out to you for being . . . Wait for it. . . Legend - - -- AIRY!!) I'm confident that together because we have awesome kids that are so close in age it will make for some very interesting study sessions.  And much needed Mommy Time while the kids go and play in their rooms.

Usually though on the weekends I find that I have too much time to myself.  It's not a time that I want to spend doing the mundane tasks of dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc.  (Actually I don't like to do that even when the kids are home, I don't want to do it at all.  So to humor myself, sometimes I plain just don't, and allow the house to become a little messy.  Afterall there are more important things in life than having a clean house, and since it doesn't bother me or the kids when there are a few toys scattered from last nights imaginary play, we go on with life.)  I spend the weekends with girl friends.  Going to movies, out to nice restaurants for a drink which always takes hours to sip down as we talk about anything under and OVER the moon.  Remember afterall I have fallen in love with science, and one of the coolest things to discuss is the universe because it is so unknown to us all.  That to me is my adult imagination time.  Trying to understand what it is, the shape and where possibly if ever does it stop.  How much matter is it made of.  Looking at it from the big perspective the Earth is merely a spec of dust in the small amount of space that we have discovered.  What will happen to us all now that we are completely destroying our spec of dust? We certainly do not have the technology or resources to relocate ANYONE (not the rich, poor, educated or uneducated) to a different location in space where we could possibly sustain life.  Good thoughts with my awesome friends.

I read a quote a while ago that said if you reduced the fraction of time humans have spent on the earth to the age of the earth that in the 60 some years old the earth has been, all of human life has only been around for 4 hours and we have destroyed in those 4 hours over 50% of the forests.  In the next couple of decades (yes divisible by 10 years!) our Carbon Dioxide will have tripled because of the rate we are cutting down trees.  Such a sad thing to think of.  When will any government listen to the scientists to know what damage we are causing and know that this life is not sustainable?!

Magic Mike

 I went and saw Magic Mike on Sunday night with a few girlfriends.  I love this movie, it was surely one of the most exciting movies for me to watch.  It had quite a bit of male posterior nudity.  (Big Smile spreading across my face.) It was refreshing to see a movie that for once objectified the male body.  There are quite a few movies that objectify women, and although I feel that the way our society objectifies women is completely over done, I do believe a little bit of objectification is completely okay, as it is appreciating the human body and all it has to offer.  Especially when people take good care of their bodies by providing it with nutrition and adequate exercise. 

However the objectification that is of the "ideal" body for females is ridiculous.  I point this out to a lot of women that have a healthy looking body and claim that they need to go on a diet. 
I am very passionate that dieting is one of the worst things that you can do to your body, especially with the restriction of Carbohydrates (my science friends and I write this CHO to represent the Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen that make up the molecule).  One thing I want EVERYONE in the entire world to know is that Carbohydrates are our number one source of energy.  Everything thereafter just isn't able to create ATP (Adenosine TriPhosphate) which is the currency that you body uses to do anything! 

Think about it this way, have you ever gone on a low carb, or no carb diet?  Think about the mood that you were in.  Almost guarenteed (unless you have some weird supernatural powers) you were anywhere from irritable, extremely irritable, to irrational.  This is your body telling you that it NEEDS Carbohydrates.

One of the other things that bothers me is the fear that pregnant women have over gaining any weight during pregnancy.  Mind you, you can gain TOO much weight with the crazy notion that you need to "Eat for Two"  (BullShniky!) But you do need to gain some weight, because that weight is what helps the baby grow.  Otherwise that baby is going to steal the weight from you, and run your own body down, which is not healthy for the mother, and the baby will not get the necessary nutrients that it needs to grow inside a womb.  Who wants to have an unhealthy pregnancy and deliver a sick child (To my Outlander friends, a changeling.) Because as common sense will tell us, there are no fairies that will come down and switch our sick babies out for healthy ones.  It's all science.  Which is why I love it so much.  Nutrition. . . Key part

(Wow I went from a movie into nutrition, just a great example of how my mind works.)